COZA’s founder, Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo has been in the headlines these past few days in Nigeria’s media for all the wrong reasons: rape, sexual misconducts and so on. It’s not the kind of deeds that befit a husband and father, much more one who calls himself a man of God.
Before this whole issue blew up to the proportion it is now, celebrated Nigerian musician went head to head with Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo on his social media platform—calling out the pastor for sexually molesting innocent girls under his spiritual umbrella. Bringing back to mind, the case of one Ese Walter who years back accused the pastor of manipulating her into sleeping with him—her story was criticized by many.
However, not long after Timi Dakolo called out the pastor, his wife Bukola Dakolo came out in a tell-it-all video to reveal that the pastor raped her when she, a young girl of 17, joined his newly founded ministry.
Bukola’s story sparked outrage from all corners of the country. Although there were those whose anger was directed at Bukola Dakolo rather than the accused pastor, hundreds of people marched to various denominations of COZA on Sunday in protest against the pastor.
The pastor, who days back after the big reveal, denied the story as false was backed by his wife.
Where’ve all these analyses headed to? To Modele Fatoyinbo, Biodun Fatoyinbo’s wife. She was the one who mounted the church’s pulpit this last Sunday while the protests were ongoing, to preach. In the course of that, she blatantly stated that “not even as an unbeliever will my husband rape someone.”
Now, this is not about who is innocent and who is guilty but rather, about handling a delicate issue in a better manner. It is understandable that you, as a wife may feel duty-bound to stand beside your husband through thick and thin. What’s not acceptable is doing so at the expense of ‘the truth.’ Do you know the truth? Are you sure your husband is as innocent as he claims? Did you consider what it would mean to the victims who are pointing accusing fingers at your husband if it turns out that their stories are true?
Unless your husband threatened your life and you spoke under duress, you as the wife of a man who was accused of evil deeds should have handled the situation in the following ways:
Maintain Your Silence
If you cannot vouch for your partner with no iota of doubt in your heart, best to hold your peace then come out in public to defend your partner. You may be seen as an accomplice or an enabler if you do so. Keeping silent about the whole issue, as one who is close to the accused, is more understandable than coming out to discredit the truth of the victim who summoned the courage to speak out.
True, this is a painful situation to be dealing with as a family member of the accused—you’d be moved to deny the allegations. But defending the person may come across as defending his actions. A bit of expert advice from a professional psychologist is for you to resist the automatic impulse to defend your partner.
Give Yourself Some Space
You need some time to process how you truly feel about all these accusations directed at your partner. It can be overwhelming or difficult to endure, so you’ve got to give yourself some time and space. In the meantime, ask yourself some tough questions like “do I have a colored perception of my partner?” and to what extent should you feel obligated to support your partner?
When you feel ready to communicate your thoughts without attacking or blaming the person, confront your partner and demand for answers. They may lie to you of course; watch out for the hidden messages between their words and their body language.
Decide Whether You Want To Still Be In The Relationship
Is your partner’s action something you can forgive? Do you think you can help him through being a better person if he shows remorse and tries to make amends? You alone can come to this decision.
This article goes out to everyone who finds themselves in a situation where their loved one is accused of doing something evil.